Everything about these little babies is just so wrong. My Vegetarian Scotch Eggs are often viewed as just plain wrong for having no meat. But Vegan ones!?! With no eggs!?! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Shove them where the sun don’t shine you lily-livered plant-based southern-sissy. That’s me. I will say they do actually contain eggs sort of. Thai baby eggplants. So Shove an aubergine where the sun don’t shine. Merry Christmas everyone. So no more plant-based filthy banter. Lets cut straight to the gay chef chase and see just how to make these beauties.


Dozen Thai baby eggplants
Dozen small cooked beetroots
180g purple onion chopped very very very fine
Oil for frying
1 inch cube fresh ginger grated
2 cloves of garlic chopped
500g chopped nuts of your choice
100g sunflower seeds
400g breadcrumbs
100g oats
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
Half tsp oregano
Half tsp thyme
1 tbs miso paste
2 tbs pomegranate molasses
200ml Vegan beer

100g plain flour for coating eggplant/beetroot
200g gram flour
500g breadcrumbs
Rapeseed oil for deep frying


Place the dozen eggplants in a sauce pan of boiling water and simmer for about 5-8 minutes. Leave the stalks attached. It’s better to remove these once they are cooked and cooled. Fry the onion in a little oil until soft and golden.

Place in an electric food mixer along with the ginger, garlic, nuts, sunflower seeds, breadcrumbs, oats, salt, pepper and herbs. Then switch on and grind to a grainy pulp.

In a small jug measure out the miso and pomegranate molasses and then stir to combine and slowly add the beer. I’m using vegan Elvis Juice with infused grapefruit.

Next we need to set up a production line. We need a bowl with the flour. Another bowl with the gram flour glue. This is the gram flour whisked up with water to make an egg yellow paste to help the breadcrumbs adhere to the nut mix.

Finally we need a bowl with the breadcrumbs in and a couple of plates to hold the waiting stages.

Place a patty of nut mix in your palm and then roll an eggplant/beetroot in flour to coat it. Place this in the centre of the nut patty.

Gently mould around the egg to seal it in. I like to get all the nut mix done before moving on to the gram glue and breadcrumbs as it all gets a little mucky.

Using a spoon to keep the gram glue in off you fingers coat a ball on at a time in yellow gum and then breadcrumbs.

Heat the oil in a heavy bottomed pan. Drop a cube of bread into the oil to check if it’s hot enough. It should dance with tiny bubbles.

Then fry the Votch Eggs two at a time turning them as they brown. Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on kitchen roll.

And there you have it. Plant-based festive treats for all the family unless they eat meat in which case ban them from trying them and make overloud satisfactory noises every time you eat one. Mmmmm…. I bet you wish you hadn’t killed that turkey and eaten so much? These are so good hahaha. Enjoy people.

Chat me up people

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