Now I don’t want anyone thinking that just because I’m manifesting an entirely new existence that it’s somehow easy and all in the bag because it isn’t. Trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life is really hard. Really really really hard and some days are good and somedays are bad. Some days start out good and then crash off course but most days do begin positively. I have for the last six months been waking before dawn. At first this was because I was so stressed that I just couldn’t sleep for more than a couple of hours. I would wake and then try to sleep and fail. Then nod off and then wake an hour later. This was because my head was so totally broken. I have had to try and find methods to relax the bad patterns. At first it was the gym. Get to the gym at 6am but even there the thoughts of my humiliation at loving someone so completely and unrequitedly was like a siren in my head.

I did think I’d never post a photo of me topless in a muscle pose because it looks comical and sad with tiny arms. But I just don’t care.

In between all exercises I would pace frantically round the gym trying to calm my head unsuccessfully. I did this for three months and realised that this new ‘good’ exercise pattern was latching on to the pain of feeling so utterly humiliated by love. I do go on about patterns so much but they really are integral to happiness. How was I to find some more positive and happy experiences to help me to start building better patterns? By engaging in as many outside experiences as I could. I started cycling. I’ve always been a massive walker, I just love to be out walking in Alexandra Park in Hastings. It has the second most diverse collection of trees in the country so I’m told but this was where I used to walk with my dogs. Since I became homeless they had to go and live with my original ex partner, where they grew up and so walking in the park now fills me with sadness and longing for my precious dogs. I miss them so very very much.

My precious babies I miss you so much.

I need the scope of the bike to be able to take myself further away from the painful places that were connected with my current ex. Plus the fear of seeing him around town with his other man fills me with dread even now. So I would hang out in places where I was unlikely to ever see him. But this was still not helping me to break the thought patterns that surround him. So I began to meditate with humming. I would find a quite place indoors or out and would centre my thoughts with deep belly breathing. Then I would focus on the pitch F# for the higher heart and would begin to hum it. F# is the chest and naturally resonates in the body but particularly around the heart. I would hum this sound and think joyful loving thoughts about myself, friends and the world around me. This vocal meditation allowed me to change the vibrational frequency of my body and spirit. Coupled with the positive thoughts I was beginning to find a way to retune not just my mind but my entire spirit.

I soon began to focus on otherI pitches to reset my thoughts on other ideas. I used the G# of the throat to strengthen my communication again. I have always been a very confident and chatty chap but when I realised that I was not adored by the man I loved I lost all my confidence. Also after the accident in Peru when my teeth started to fall out I stopped smiling as I felt ashamed to not have a proper smile. I have trained my face muscles to smile in a way now so that my teeth are hidden but as soon as I can raise the money to fix them I will learn how to beam again. Just as soon as I’ve manifested my smile back. I do see myself smiling in my meditations. Also I see myself being able to chew food again and that is going to be great. Mmmm salads, nuts and fruits will be back on the menu along with crunchy sour dough toast. It’s funny how all the healthiest tastiest foods need a full set of gnashers to munch.

I use A 432 hz to send out the thoughts for things that I want to manifest. This 3rd eye pitch is OM and it is therefore the creative force of everything around us in the Cosmos. This is the frequency of creation and so this is the tone needed to call thoughts into existence. This is all well and good but here’s the rub. Manifesting isn’t something that can just be conjured up with the flick of a wand. It is something that is whispered slowly into existence and it takes time and effort. Quite a lot of time and a real lot of effort. This will sound so dull and difficult but resetting the brain to break bad thoughts and create new ones is a colossal feat of faith and belief. And it takes regular practise. Just like developing a healthier body needs time and exercise so does changing the head to be more positive. I still find my ex in my head every day. I still want to scream and cry but I now stop myself and I hum the F#. That warm pink loving pitch that vibrates throughout my chest and I say to myself that his cruelty towards me was needed to help me get to this new place. Mostly it fills me with comfort but sometimes it does nothing because the bad pattern is determined to shout in my head as It was such regular feature in my mind.

The problem I have when I cannot silence this humiliation shouting and mocking me in my head is that part of my brain believes that if he would only explain why he did this to me I would be able to experience ‘closure’. A wise friend told me that closure is a concept from Hollywood to create tidy film endings. Few people ever get closure. We have to learn to live without closure. Pain will lessen with time and I have only been manifesting a new life for nine months after a relationship of seven years. So I tell myself when these shouty moments rise up and make me want to punch myself in the head for being so dumb that I wasn’t in the wrong as I loved him completely and honestly. The problem was him not me but that doesn’t always make me feel any better. I am saying this because I write these blogs to help others understand that starting over in life is extremely hard with a broken heart and no answers. Most of the time I ask myself what I did wrong? I did nothing wrong. There is no shame in offering your heart with absolute love and loyalty. It is the most human thing to do.

The saintly way to love.

So I have my studio overlooking the sea. I have another temporary place to stay so I’m not sleeping on the streets and I must be grateful for this. I can afford to eat. I have my health and I am making new friends. I am still building a new me and mostly I am good and stable but now and then like today I just woke up grinding my jaw in a panic and felt the old nasty patterns knocking at the door to my head. So I got up. Hummed to feel the love frequency and read the moon wishes journal I wrote yesterday.

My new journal from Debi Angel – thank-you Debi.

I am letting go of all the bad patterns while wishing to find strength in newer better ones and step by step I am doing this and it feels good. Except when it doesn’t but even that is less and less. I do still think of my ex and I wonder why why why he did this to me? But I don’t feel anger anymore, just sadness and that sadness is becoming less and less now too. Slowly it is changing to pity as I wonder if he will ever feel love for someone in the profoundly complete way that I do? I will not ever know though. Because the closure I require is in my power to give to myself by not being curious as to how he lives his life. He chose a world without me so that’s just what he has manifested.

A new day dawns over town and over me. I will one day feel ready to love again I’m sure but for now I keep my love for myself, my friends, my work and all you wonderful people who read my ramblings. Special thanks to everyone who wrote to say they could feel my voice in their backs and spines as they listen to my latest harmonic filled melody for the spine and nervous system, that’s amazing. Thanks and Wassail.

Chat me up people

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