I got up bright and early today at 4am and sat down to write up a new moon tarot reading for fellow librans (I know it’s not a word but it should be). I finished writing this as I walked to the gym. The slither of waning moon was almost kissing Venus, the morning star and as I rounded a corner I was suddenly treated to a shooting star. What a start to the day hey?

I finished at the gym and came home. Tidied the kitchen and had breakfast. Then I packed my rucksack full of Lebkuchen to gift to friends (people I talk with who I pretend are friends but aren’t really I fear) and clambered onto my bike to go and embrace the bright blue sky as the sun rose across the sea and  tinged houses golden. Everything was joyous. I had new brakes fitted to my bike on the way through town as the rear one was broken, making signalling to turn right and slow down rather impossible.

Checkout my Instagram feed for the meaning of this reading.

I rode around feeling full of beans. Quite literally full of beans mind. Been making bean mash as a rich protein to help the gym exercises. Trumping like a trooper. So very windy haha. Bought seaweed treats for a friend and rode round to give hm them. Bought a large ceramic pot to ferment my second batch of kombucha in. Made 6 litres of Cylon and Hibiscus Kombucha and 2 lts of green tea and mint. I have done so many great things today. So many helpful and good things too and then BAM! I find a big fat ugly head descends of me and fills me with all the gloom and panic that cripples me so often. What was the trigger? Watching sourdough starter descend into the sink as I washed off a spoon. I was suddenly in my ex’s kitchen and I was sad that and angry and a thousand other emotions all cramming into my head and filling me with sadness.

I was meant to attend a funeral today of a wonderful woman, Caroline Hughes, I knew through the pantomimes. It was taking place in London but I couldn’t face attending. Partly I couldn’t go see all the fabulous Interior Designers while I have so many teeth missing. But also, I can’t find the answers to the simple questions of ‘How are you?’ or ‘What are you up to at the moment?’. Though I know they would be perfectly kind to me it’s not about me it’s about the family left behind after the death of their beloved.

Caroline dearest may you be with those you miss so much once more. Sorry you are gone.

It would also have been my brother’s 55th birthday tomorrow and a deep sadness always descends on me at this time. Partly because for years I had to pretend that it hurts my parents more than me as everyone always says ‘Oh that must be so hard to lose a child like that.’ It is hard for them yes but I lost a sibling and that hurts too. Because as I’ve said before I often wish I could have swapped places with him. Also at some point in the not too distant future my parents who are not at all well will also die and then I will be all alone. This is fine sometimes but it fills me with an anger too. I turned down so many opportunities to make a new life thinking my ex, that sweetest man, the love of my life was worth staying here for but he just never had the courage to tell me he no longer loved me as I did him. And this swells up inside me and I want to scream with the pain of the rejection he never admitted to me. So here I am trying to type the fucking shitty bollocks out of my system so that I can get up tomorrow and try to find better positive patterns to live with. But right now the darkness has hold of me and it really is so totally consuming.

This is the lost look that descends when I feel sad about my ex. Why does his absence hurt me so much?

I write this depression confession as I believe many people cannot understand that the gloom can just sweep in with its hateful self-loathing patterns even when you have had the most wonderful day of doing good things. I do wish I had a way to fix not just my head but my teeth too so that I might feel like smiling again. I want so much to try and engage with the world but the lack of a smile is so crippling at times. So stupid but such an enormous trauma for me everyday. I will pick myself back up but it won’t be tonight. Tonight I just need to shut myself away and try and sleep it off. Bloody fucking shitty bastard thoughts are so annoying when I can shift them away. I love him and I hate him and I hate me too for not being able to let go and forgive him for the rotten way he treated me. The Libra tarot reading even says I need to let go and I think I have and then something stupid like cleaning the starter doughs from a spoon in the sink and I am there in his kitchen doing the same thing and I just want to cry. Daft I know but I still love the git who hurt me so very much. And that depresses me too.  Night.

Extra:

I woke at 2am having just had an anxiety dream that for a rare moment I could actually remember. I was in a tiny train carriage and a man entered to beg for money. I have always been  very generous to the homeless. I hand over lots of cash or empty my wallet for them. It is partly guilt at having a room over my head but also because I do not believe that anyone should be homeless. Especially after I had to sell my house (to pay the bank after the property company refused to pay the £20K they owed me) I understood the terror of being homeless. I Had money but I had no permanent place to stay. It seem fun at first but eventually it became very stressful and unsettling. It is just morally wrong. In the dream I asked him to go away and he refused. Instead he began to shout and back me towards a corner. I tried to scream but my voice was lost to the fear and panic. I woke up almost about to scream aloud. This dream really shook me up. I did go back to sleep eventually. But I was so stressed by my refusing to help a homeless person in my dream.

2 Replies to “some days you just crash for no reason

  1. Dear Russell,
    I only met you once, but reading your blog, you seem to me to be an amazing person. I feel for you about your teeth – so very hard for you to deal with this, facing the world with full strength.
    You seem to me to be doing so much.
    You’re generous.
    You’re sensitive.
    You’re clearly incredibly creative.
    You keep active.
    Your cooking is beyond me with its complicated ingredients, but looks beautiful and I’m sure tastes delicious – and brilliant that you are plant-based and doing so much to support your anti-depression mission.
    All of this in the face of a broken heart.
    I have thought for many years about why – out of nowhere – a depression can descend. Internal weather conditions. If you can, let it pass. KNOW it will pass.
    Having lost my parents 3 years ago, I feel for you about your fears of their death and being left alone. Seeing you with your Mum… your protective supportive arm around her… she is lucky to have you in her life.
    Grief takes many forms… and you have experienced much loss and have much to grieve. Your brother, your lover, your home, your teeth… it is amazing that you are still standing and still doing anything at all, as these things can leave us catatonic.
    Well done for everything you do to support yourself at this time of much need.
    I do hear how lonely you feel, how much pain you are feeling, but I won’t freeze-frame you.
    With loving wishes,
    Zelly

    1. Reading this Zelly makes me want to cry and smile. It was still clearly a backwards in time hello that I needed to offer you that day. Thank-you for your kind words. I was feeling a little down throughout today after being quite ok for a week or so. I am getting so much out of writing and being totally honest. I’m sorry to hear that you lost your parents three years ago. It is something that often plays on my mind. I need to try and find a supportive network of friends who will allow me a shoulder when I’m grieving. This year has taught me that the shoulder I offer everyone is not there for me but this is teaching me that I have to do everything for myself if I want to get on at all. Tough but a lesson nonetheless. I look forward to bumping into you again. I am now riding a bike. It would be nice to cycle somewhere with someone for a coffee. Keep well Zelly xx

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