As I journey through all the messy emotions of waking back up to life I begin to understand that many things I once sneered at are in fact important markers that help us to find confidence and feel pleasure. This wondrous world of five magical and intense senses actually distracts us from our sixth and most important sense. I have always been hyper sensitive to all my senses. I smell flowers from far away, I see colours so vividly that some autumn leaves are so intense I can’t look at them. Sounds are so loud they make my body feel molested. I even find the taste of fresh oranges so sharp that I have to shake my entire body out just to remove the acidity. And touch… well that can be so extreme that I twitch and spasm when the right person’s hand enters my auric field never mind actually touches me. Autism? Probably but if it is it’s not a problem as I can talk the arse off a donkey. All my senses are heightened to such extremes that I have taught myself ways to shut them down to function. Especially my sixth sense. The higher me that I used to allow to flow freely but ran away from.
What do I mean by this? I recently stopped listening to all news. Partly it was because I was a news junkie and partly because it was perhaps the greatest thing (apart from cheese) that I shared with my ex. News seems packaged and delivered to assault our senses and create fear. They love to show war, violence and other atrocities not just to divide people but so we are looking elsewhere while politicians, police, government bodies, corporations all do unimaginable cruelties. They then pretend that they are our friends, looking out for us, protecting us while in truth they steal, murder and maim people all around the world. This diet of violence and corruption fed to us by rolling news feeds and social media makes many people turn to drugs and I include alcohol, to numb out the pain and mental health strain we feel as a consequence of a society that makes economic slaves of most of us. By not listening to this propaganda I have been able to focus on unlocking kinder, loving, healing energies that are available to us all but are being suppressed in case we all wake up and question global politics and capitalism. I would love to be able to change the world for the better but I am one voice among billions. But I am willing to fix myself and help others to find a new truth too. I have been using meditative tones and frequencies to activate calm and peace inside me. I have been stripping back all the lies and hurts I had created for myself and I am becoming the true me after hibernating for far too long.
When I first allowed the healing gift to flow through me I wanted so much to heal people that I believed I was gifted with a superpower that I would learn to control. But there’s no manual and I didn’t understand that people need to heal themselves. People also need to want to heal. Some people have invested so much time and effort into being ill that a chance to cure themselves would likely upset their apple cart. I am gifted with a means to facilitate healing in others but in my 20s and with me being so naive and green it was so overwhelming that I stopped trying altogether. I ran away into a world or sex, drugs and pop and droll. By that I mean I coached pop artists to bleat out their inane songs with better voices. And sadly these often cheap melodies went round and round to such an insane level in my brain that I really couldn’t ever get those tunes outta my head.
I had grown up playing in orchestras and I just found the simplicity of the pop music the stuff of nightmares. I wasn’t a musical snob I was just over educated musically enough to know that while some pop music is incredible the sheer volume of music released always means that much is pure dross. I was helping pop divas learn to sing and yet when I stood behind them to help them find their voices I was finding myself stepping right inside their bodies and seeing all their troubles and insecurities and it freaked me out. It became especially disturbing when I saw cancer inside a friend and in my naivety I rationed and imagined it was just the entire cosmos in his heart. The rich blackness of the universe stretching out inside him because he was so young and I loved him so much I couldn’t believe my gut instinct. He eventually died and I felt ashamed. Hindsight is a cruel friend as I couldn’t understand what I saw back then. Now when I help balance and heal I do not ever allow myself to step inside any client.
Doing this work is naturally opening me back up to the higher senses that I had been self medicating shut for the last 30 years. I just wanted to be like everyone else to some degree. I didn’t want to be the strange creepy kid that saw ghosts and I was tired of being bullied at school for not fitting in so coming out and discovering sex and drugs were my chance to fit in. When I gave up all my habits like smoking weed and tobacco, consuming dairy and eggs finally I began to wake up again. Slowly I grew new patterns and then broke them too so that I might just start to go with my own flow. I needed to feel free. I needed no patterns and no restrictions. Then I began to value myself once more. Once more? Listen to me pretending I’d got lost years back. I found myself for the first time. Yes I can see ghosts again but they don’t worry me, I think I worry them. I can open portals with my voice to the other side, the place they are hiding from and I can make them go through but I don’t because like me, they must choose their own destiny. I am finally choosing mine.
The really huge epiphany that I am here to talk about relates back to my earliest blogs on depression. Back then I wrote of all the little incidences that piled into my head to trigger many bouts of depressions. I wasn’t looking to assign blame I was hoping to demonstrate how tiny things that others do can hugely affect sensitive people and tip them over the edge. However I need to make this very clear – I conspired with all the people who hurt me to make sure they hurt me. Yes! I created all the pain I suffered because it is through this pain that we can learn to grow and wake up. Even the seemingly accidental death of Barry my brother was part of a plan that I needed. He and I made a deal before we were born that he would leave me alone so young because I needed to learn from it. Just like I needed to learn from everyone I have ever known who I perceived had hurt me. These are all deals we made together so that we might learn lessons from. Here’s the biggest part written very large – I thank them all for the painful lessons so that I might wake back up and start to grow. I’ve learnt so much and now that I’m getting back up off the floor, with my higher senses awake I am walking about in bliss most of the time. I trust that everything I need is being given. There are still moments when a dark thought rises back up but the wiring in my head still has some old pathways in it but I am rewriting them all the time to remove the crap patterns.
I want to be especially clear about this. All the people I held up as having wronged me didn’t wrong me at all. Everyone acted just as they were meant to so that I might be right here now. In the exact place I was meant to be. Where I’ll be next week, next month or next year I cannot say but I know I will be so happy and I will be exactly where I am meant to be still. Forgive me everyone for thinking I could hold blame up to any of you for anything I felt. You have all acted perfectly and I thank-you for that. Well done. Now some people like to cut the ties with those that have served a purpose in their harshness but I think I will hold on to all those connections. If I am to believe, as I do that these people agreed to play their part in my pain, to stir me back to life then they must love my soul so much to agree to do it. They are clearly the very best friends really. I am rolling my eyes at these words slightly but that too is old patterns. I am seeking to be a wiser me and if you cannot accept that yet then I look forward to you also waking up soon and joining me on a better life path. Wassail
I decided to add a little video to talk about the twin snake energies that meet in the chest and the awakening of them since I let everything go. It’s dizzying and amazing.