Today I had a massive epiphany. I hoped it would be short but with all true epiphanies it is so vast I will not be able to put it into words effectively enough and some of it is not yet for all ears. It is teaming down with rain just now and I overwhelmingly wanted to be part of the magnificence of the water that was steaming down from above. Do it! So I got up and stepped outside into the small courtyard where I am staying to witness the rain as it cascaded down. I have always been totally awe struck at the wonder of rain. The sheer volume and weight of water that vibrates over head as clouds of vapour is so impressive that when it begins to fall so heavily I feel so inspired by nature and all its wonders.

When I was about thirteen or fourteen I ran outside naked and stood in the garden of the Green Dragon pub where I lived and I let the heavens drench my soul. Oh it felt the most gloriously perfect idea I had ever had. This was also the first time in my life I had ventured outside naked but I now understand that this was a magical sacred space for me filled with the bones of a beached whale. This splendid creature had died on the riverbank decades ago and its bones had been cleaned up and turned into a spectacle for patrons of the pub. The ribs were formed into an archway that passed under the driveway of the pub to the stables around the back. Other bones were used to create garden furniture. All totally grotesque and shameful but thankfully all long since vanished. Except in truth they were not lost they were in the soil around the garden. Spot, my Jack Russell would sniff them out, dig them up and bring these huge bones in to the pub to munch on and clean her teeth. This graveyard garden of a majestic whale was calling to my bones to feel the pleasure and the healing joy that is locked inside every drop of water. My affinity with water and the sea still clings to my soul today. I have to live beside the sea and have to let the sea be part of me.

I stepped into the small flower filled courtyard to embrace this morning’s rain and once again I was immediately nourished by the droplets bursting all over my body. It felt like coming home. I was the 1970s’ dehydrated Vesta Chow Mien to which by adding water and heat became an exotic meal we couldn’t otherwise dream of cooking in our kitchen. As the water clung to my skin and hair I felt the huge rush of my higher consciousness gushing through my body like the vast flow of kundalini energy that I spoke about in a previous blog. My higher true nature was waking up inside my core.

My DNA was being retuned. I have spent many weeks now meditating at great length to reprogram my thought patterns and behaviour. And here it was happening and I was totally awake and not focused on my breath or stilling my mind. I’m not sure what the lesson is here but for a few moments as I shook and shuddered I felt I was about to be overwhelmed and would pass out and collapse into a puddle. Instead I accepted the flow and became stable.

My brain was rushing and thinking so fast that it left my ego standing still. All the thoughts that flooded in were too fast to observe but those that mattered most anchored into the ungraded mainframe of my brain. There are so many though that I will only offer a few here right now. The key is the interconnectivity of everything here on Earth. And I mean everything. We are all connected to everything around us. We are the natural world we live in. We are the flora and fauna and all creatures. We are connected to everything around us seen and unseen. Perception of the world makes things alive in the moment that we cast our attention on them but these things are not just there when we look but are always there and part of us.

Roma the beauty and me the warrior

All my adult life I have had an understanding with the insect world that I will not harm them intentionally and they will not harm me and they don’t. I am never bitten by bugs or stung by bees. Yet the other day while cycling to visit Roma at her shop Blue Bee in Hastings I was so full of love for the world that an army of insects landed all over me trusting that they wouldn’t be swatted or killed. Every insect contains a part of me and a part of you too. On those rare occasions when I have trodden on a snail in the dark during rain I have always shuddered as I felt its death rush up my leg through my clumsy foot. This accidental execution of a living thing has upset my entire being so I always ask for forgiveness for harming any creature. My fear of causing stress to any living thing has also isolated me from many human interactions too. The idea of inducing stress in someone else made me cut myself off from life all too often. This has all changed recently and it is because I have so much love and compassion within me that I wish to share, that I now go everywhere shining with that intention. The entire world has changed. I watched the rain rolling off the wallflowers that appeared so happy and alive as they soaked in the rain, sighing with joy. I watched it also splashing into my coffee. I reached for the cup and drank it savouring the complex taste and gave thanks for the special magic that creates that beautiful taste. As the last sip was filled with the unstirred sugar I was hit by the connectivity of all things. The sugar plant had given its life to be manufactured into sugar that I might enjoy that sweet magical kick at the bottom of my cup.

I am a plant based eater and often when those who get angry at my choice to not consume meat, dairy or eggs, question me for eating plants that have died I laugh it off because I rationed that eating animal who have been slaughtered and filled with fear and death is far worse and it is. But the plant also had a life. And I’m not trying to advocate a life style of only eating fallen fruits but I am saying that all food is a sacrifice of life force to sustain and nourish life force in something else. We should give thanks for all the food we consumed yet this feels too much like a religious blessing but I can now see the importance of this act in historic terms. Blessing are gratitude and mean we are acknowledging that which we have taken to exist ourselves. Yesterday a small butterfly flew towards me and kissed my cheek and I felt blessed. Why not then offer blessings back to nature in gratitude?

I’ve been followed around everywhere I go recently by the Magician card in my personal Tarot readings. That and the Death card which is all about transformations. These two cards have always brought me such comfort. Changing and growing is the most essential element to being alive. People who stop growing and changing are setting themselves on a pathway to nowhere but an early grave. I’m laughing at the realisation that the Death card in truth actually means ‘more life’ in a reading. Its absence is more worrying than its appearance. The Magician has had me meditating manifestations as the card suggest that I have the power within me to transform everything around me. The Laws of Attraction speak of manifesting all that you desire but at what cost? Every action we create affects everything and everyone so our intentions must not be selfish and vague. They must be for the greater good of all. I wish to have a parking space but that wish might stop someone else with a greater need from parking closer to their home or destination. This altruistic wishing is a much harder but cleaner kind of Universal magic. Manifesting is about seeking change and trusting the Cosmos will oblige in delivering it. I recently manifested a solution to my teeth and then had a meltdown and refused to accept the kindness being offered by a dear friend. But I needed to square my head to the method by which I used the Laws of Attraction. It also allowed me to reach a place of truthful compassion and forgiveness with my friend that would heal both our souls. I have therefore been trying to understand how I can let the Magician card transform into the next step of my new cosmic journey and manifest myself into the High Priestess. She is the feminine Gaia energy of the Magician but she does not need the tools and wands that he needs to create. The High Priestess simply thinks and it is manifested. This is a true power but to be like her you must have absolute discipline of mind to not act selfishly. That which we manifest must be for the good of all things.

Bam!! In that courtyard in the rain the realisation pulsed through me. We are everything and everything is us and everyone too. This is all very mind bending and many will think I have lost my marbles but infact I just found where I had hidden them. I have been running around with so much love and compassion for everyone and everything but that emotion has just been a concept of words. Words, my favourite tool for getting messages across to the world and those who will listen. Words are magnificent but they are also imprisoning. Words are wonderful but across the world we speak many accents, tongues and languages and all are beautiful. But there is a language far more universal – Music. Music is far more abstract and yet music conveys emotions far more readily and instantaneously that spoke language. Music is frequency and everything in the world has frequency. when Newton spoke of matter being king, Science claimed that god died. Now scientists are breaking down that matter and they are realising that frequency of energy is the truth behind matter. In Cern they are searching for the ‘God’ particle. And what then when they find it? Where will we be then? We will see that this world of creating fear and hate is to stop the collective desire for peace and harmony in all things. So I will continue to step out into the world each day to share my love and compassion but instead of that being my thoughts imprisoned by word form, I will let it sine like a new language of thoughtful intention. I will engage in manifesting a world that I would like to live in. A world of kindness. I always imagine I cannot change the global cruelty and yet it seems more and more of the world is waking up to tear down the borders that keep us in the dark. Let’s all try to sing with a new language of compassion and light. Wassail

Plants and art by Debi Angel in my studio

Just as I press “Publish” the sun has come out. Oh joyous day. Time for a bath and then I must move to another place. I will get round to manifesting somewhere I can live at some point soon. Two and a half years without a home is not ideal but it’s not unpleasant either.

One Reply to “water seems to cleanse my soul over and over again”

  1. I’ve never danced naked in the rain but I have swum naked in the sea, I imagine the effect is somewhat similar. Great to hear that your marbles are back!
    Love the pic of you and Roma. Big hugs xx

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