the tricksterverse’s kick feels worse – again

Healer heal yourself! Now until about thirty minutes ago I totally believed that healers need others to heal them but then I had a chat with my friend Helen from Shop in Norman Road and she set me thinking about shit and I thought long and hard as I walked to my studio and by the time I reached the Curtain of Sea that greets you as you head down London Road to the beach everything in my head had changed. And I love it. It’s all about change and moving forward without all the baggage. I’m loving helping people to heal but that is because it is a massive journey that I am on myself too. True healing is facilitated by others but faced by the self. We must all ultimately heal ourselves but with the support of others. A hermit might wander off and be spiritual but to what purpose if they don’t ever share their wisdom?

All that baggage is making me itch. Literally itch. My rucksack is affecting my shoulders at the front like they can’t breath. But the emotional baggage that is in my head and heart and soul is making me itch so much I want to run. Last week’s trigger was an incident sent to test me by the Tricksterverse and I failed the test for three days after. The new best boy to my ex, that man I love so bloody much STILL came into Helen’s shop and chatted to her while ignoring me. Though I’m not sure what I imagine he should have done but as he left he smiled at me and I thought you heartless Twunt. I collapsed into that dark place I keep trying to get out from. Self-hatred and torture.

It’s not his fault my great love stopped loving me. It’s not his fault that my great love was such a selfish coward that he couldn’t admit to me that he just stopped loving me. But I still blame him for stealing my man away from me. In truth I lost him years ago when they first met but I just couldn’t see that at the time. Or perhaps we weren’t ever really connected and it was all in my head? The point is I understand that we will never be connected again in any way but the loss of the man I adore so entirely still hurts. I will always love him totally I’m sure because that’s the only way I know how to love people, completely. I placed all my heart and emotions in his care and I can’t take them back now ever.

Will I ever trust another with my heart again? I just don’t know right now. I don’t want him back though either. An apology as to why he let me go on loving him for years when he stopped caring for me would help me find closure but I will never get that. So instead I spend yet more days wastefully questioning what it was that I did wrong. I spent too much time wishing that I had just died when he withdrew his love. All these pointless thoughts are totally harming me and yet my brain keeps replaying them. I need to understand shit so that I can process it and find closure. And yet he will say I’m spending too much energy blaming him for stamping all over my heart but it still feels like that. I’m still raw because emotions are so very deeply felt by me.

So today I am finding ways around the blockages. And it’s not the only one I am currently trying to face. I am attempting to rebuild my entire life from nothing. I am homeless which I needed to be to start this journey of recovery and while I might pine for a bed that is mine alone to climb into I also fear the static nature of a space I might call home. What I really require are the funds to keep moving on, russellingaround. Or do I? You see this is also possibly a cover for the fear I face with my parents both being so ill. Once they are gone I will have nobody. It will just be me. Again I must reference my great love. He was I thought my special friend who would always be in my life, especially to help support me during this but he wasn’t. He couldn’t hold me when I needed to cry and he stopped being honest with me and I cannot live with lies I just don’t understand lying.

So I have been trying to build a new life with new friends. And those new friends are kind and generous. And I am beginning to be able to grow into the new man I am meant to be now, with them. They accept me for the person I am today. Not for who I once was. Losing family and friends is often part of the great healing destiny. Not just processing loss but being allowed to move forward and adapt into a new person post loss or trauma. People too familiar with us often do not allow us to change. We all need to keep transforming. Do not become set in your ways. Identifying patterns you have and busting them up. Patterns that would lead to staleness of the soul and then to illness.

This morning I strolled through the park and looked at how spring was beginning to burst forth and this life cycle filled me with such positive healing energy. I contemplated forgiveness as a concept. People often say we have to forgive those that have harmed us. Perhaps we do. But shouldn’t we only forgive those that have said sorry and learnt just how their actions have hurt others? Forgiveness is a complicated emotion. You could forgive everyone everything as it is often said that all the things good and bad that have happened to us have transpired to get us to this perfect moment in which we find ourselves right now. This is a comforting thought and one that I try to hold as truthful but that is surely because right now I feel so battered and bruised so often. I have been totally humbled by the Tricksterverse and I feel a need to be grateful for the little I have. After all, life is cycles and I am currently at the very bottom of a painful journey that has taken me 50 years to achieve what feels like nothing.

But in truth I am richly fulfilled with the comfort that I am healthy and happy most of the time. I do not have many possessions crushing me. I do not have a house or a mortgage round my neck choking me. I do not have money in the bank begging to be shared with others. I am free of many of the things society creates to choke us and yet I still have moments where I wish everything were different. And then there are moments when I crash into the darkness of feeling like I have never been loved properly by anyone my entire life. And I hear that statement that nobody can love you if you don’t love yourself. Yet even when I did love myself nobody loved me properly back and so I often question the validity of that statement.

I love fully and loyally and maybe that is what causes me such hurt in the end. We are all here on a spiritual journey to find our own truths. What works for me will not work for everyone. We must all search for our own truths and the things that make us happy but we must all seek to improve everything about ourselves all the time. I am not the child I was. I can still remember that child but I do not want to be that child. I want to be the best new version of me that I can be. And that is who I am today. Tomorrow I hope to be a newer, wiser, kinder and more tolerant me than I am today. Wassail people.

EXTRA THOUGHTS: It’s 1.30am and I cannot sleep. I woke up grinding my jaw and my few upper teeth ache so bloody much now I think they might fall out now too. I can’t let go of this humiliation of the heart. I wish my ex’s new favourite man hadn’t walked into my day like that. I really was doing so well in the last few weeks. I was starting to see and feel a whole new energy beginning to flow.. Now I’m feeling quite traumatised again. It’s so stupid. But this is how the Tricksterverse likes to play things. One step forward nine months backwards.

I also just read the final email exchanges between me and my ex and I know shouldn’t have done that but that’s what happens when you feel crazy and broken by love. I appreciate that he was somewhat selfish but instead of that knowledge empowering me to feel better I just feel more humiliated for loving him so entirely. I stopped myself from making so many positives changes in my life for a few years because I couldn’t bear not being near him. He really should have released me. I feel like a stalker rather than a lover which is compounding my shame. I read this week that you should never blame yourself for loving too much but it doesn’t feel good when you realise it was a futile unrequited affair. Love is so complicated when it’s not reciprocated. I really do worry that I might never know what sharing love is. I am too scared now to trust my heart to anyone and besides I no longer have any sexual desires left. I do hope he is happy as I still care about his happiness so much. I just laid here in this lonely sad bed crying silently for so long as I didn’t want anyone to hear me haha. Yet instead of keeping quiet, I sit here typing and admitting all my shameful pain for all to read. But as I always say I’m hoping that by sharing it and publishing it I can make it leave my head and heart. I cannot believe that I still hurt so much when I know this is over months and months ago.

His new best man seemed quite contented when he flashed that smile at me. I guess all the spoils to the victor. Maybe he didn’t know how to react but I really hope they are happy together as their love cost me so dearly. I would hate to think my pain was for nothing. At least I no longer want to drive myself off Beachy Head which is a blessing. I also hope others might understand the pain that love can cause when there is a third party who loses their entire world foundations. I just feel so sad that I will never understanding why he wasn’t honest with me earlier. Luckily for me he never read any of my blogs when I was with him so i can’t imagine why he would now. Even though I started this website to keep him abreast of my travels alone without him, after I lost my home. So I don’t feel any guilt that he might read this and feel bad about my constant pain. I would hate to think my ramblings might hurt him or anyone. I joined Facebook last week for my new business and it has just asked me if I want to be his friend. Ouch. It has also thrown up the names of other people he knows. I had to press the remove button through tearful eyes. I’m so emotional it hurts. Ah the cathartic nature of social media blocking, not. Blocking is something I’ve never done before ever and I’ve also only ever been blocked by one person too and that was the man who walked into Helen’s Shop and set me off on this painful ramble.

I write all these to release it and maybe to show others how hard mental health recovery can be at times even when you are feeling strong, and I was feeling so strong. I manifested my wonderful studio for Sound Healing and I had a reunion with an old special friend. I also had good news about my script writing too and then the rug was pulled from under my feet. I will continue to heal from this trauma but only time will really fix me and maybe a handsome prince riding in to sweep me off my feet but that is wishful nonsense until I can let this trauma go. I know that from the three decades it took to recover from my brother’s death. Time heals but only if you let it heal you. I cannot hold onto this pain forever I know but I also cannot just let it go because I want too. I have to face the pain to gain freedom from it. Answers would help me but I’m never going to get any so I must keep trying to understand that what happened happened and not to blame anyone but myself for being so blinkered by love. It’s 6am and I’ve still not slept what a stupid…

… I am at times. I’m too sensitive always that often I try to hide all my emotions so as not to get hurt. Thanks everyone for reading my blogs. You are so kind and it gives me hope knowing that these raw emotional outburst help others as well as helping me. Your emails of support are so important to my recovery. Please feel free to leave public comments here too.